One of my favourite books, that I recommend to almost every woman I know, is “Come As You Are,” by Emily Nagoski. It covers the complexities of female sexuality, challenging long-held misconceptions and offering a refreshing perspective on women’s sexual well-being. Nagoski’s work is a comprehensive guide that empowers women to embrace their unique desires and bodies, emphasising the importance of self-acceptance and self-love.
If you come to a session with me, you may well hear me speaking about some of the topics that are covered in the book such as:
1. The Dual Control Model:
The Dual Control Model, explains that sexual response is driven by two systems: the sexual accelerator (gas pedal) and the sexual brakes (brake pedal). Understanding these systems helps women recognise what ignites their desire and what inhibits it. Factors such as stress, body image issues, and relationship dynamics can act as brakes, while erotic cues and emotional connection serve as accelerators.
2. The Truth About Desire:
Nagoski challenges the common myth that women’s desire should mimic men’s, characterised by constant and spontaneous longing. Instead, she argues that women experience responsive desire, meaning their desire is often triggered by context, intimacy, and connection. It’s crucial to acknowledge and embrace this responsive nature of desire without judgment.
3. The Sexual Blueprint:
The book discusses the idea of sexual blueprints, highlighting that individuals have unique preferences and triggers. Nagoski encourages women to explore and understand their own sexual blueprints, recognising that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to sexuality.
4. The Role of Stress:
Stress plays a significant role in women’s sexual well-being. Nagoski explains how the stress response can act as a sexual brake, impacting desire and pleasure. Managing stress through self-care, relaxation techniques, and effective communication with partners is vital for a satisfying sexual experience.
5. Body Image and Self-Compassion:
Nagoski addresses the profound impact of body image on women’s sexual confidence. She advocates for self-compassion and self-acceptance, emphasising that embracing one’s body as it is can lead to greater sexual satisfaction.
6. Effective Communication:
Open and honest communication with partners is a cornerstone of a fulfilling sexual relationship. Nagoski provides valuable insights and tools for enhancing communication about desires, boundaries, and fantasies, ultimately fostering intimacy and connection.
7. The Role of Pleasure:
The book promotes the idea that pleasure is a central goal of sexuality. Nagoski encourages women to prioritise their pleasure and experiment with various techniques and activities to discover what brings them the most satisfaction.
If you are unsure of whether you should see a coach, or therapist, but want to gain insight into your own sexual nature as a woman, give “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski a read. It will leave you feeling transformed and empowered with a deeper understanding of your sexuality. This book serves as a beacon of light, guiding women to come as they are and thrive in their sexual lives, and should be on the bookshelf of every woman, and partner, who wishes to understand how female sexuality works.
If a book sounds a bit intimidating, keep a look out for my upcoming workshops on female sexuality!
